I love my husband very much and hate what is happening to him and how it is changing him as a person. I do worry that the person I fell for will disappear and I’m left with a person I don’t know.

For my husband these days there is never a good day. Instead there are a bit better days and extremely bad days - like the one I wrote about in my last blog entry! I just wish none of this was happening to him and we had a normal life.

Because of my husband’s illness we can’t really plan anything, we have to take each day as it comes. Like last Thursday, hubby said he was o.k. leaving the house, but he obviously was having an extremely bad day. Well morrisons wouldn’t have called an ambulance if he was "o.k".

So our lives have changed a lot since he got ill. I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes I just wish we could get back to the life we had a few years back, before any of this happened. Not only is it changing how we live it is changing who I am as well. In some respect it’s making me a stronger person and I’m finding out things about myself which I never knew before. Mine and my husbands relationship has changed as well, we’ve always been very close and we’re now even closer.

But there are some days I wish I had never met my husband and I wonder how different my life would be. It’s very frustrating and confusing feeling this way because I love my husband so much, he’s my best friend and I have grown so much as a person just by being with him. There are also some days when I just want to leave; because of the stress and the fact that I feel like the person I love is disappearing.

When I feel like this I remember that my husband can’t escape from what he’s going through and that he needs me. As hard as it is I need to be strong for him and not let his illness beat him.

Some useful links :-


Thursday 6th September 2012, we had a somewhat interesting shopping trip in Morrisons!

Before we even left the house hubby said he felt a bit dizzy, my automatic reaction to this was to do any shopping another time. But hubby insisted that he would be o.k and felt the need to escape the house. I was not 100% convinced that he was o.k, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to convince him otherwise. He can be very strong willed sometimes.
So, we made our way to Morrisons.

He was still a little shaky when we arrived, but we manged to get some bits of fruit and then made our way to the fresh meat aisle. Hubby was not looking good and was feeling extremely dizzy. He was holding the trolley and suddenly fell to his knees. I managed to help him up and got him to sit down on one of the meat cabinets (which are cold!). It was either this or hubby collapse on the floor, which he nearly did before I manged to get him on the cabinet. I usally carry my handbag with me which has water in it, but on this day I forgot to bring it(!) – which was typical just when hubby needs it. A sit down and some water does sometimes help.

I could see my hubby was getting worse, but I couldn’t leave him because he was almost collapsing on the floor. I felt so useless and helpless and typically there were no staff down the aisle. Loads of people walked past doing the normal stare and huffing because they can’t get to the meat. Human beings can be so uncaring and just plain stupid. Eventually a little old lady came over to me and asked if I needed some assistance. I of course said yes and she went and got a guy from the butchers counter. He asked what was wrong and I tried my best to explain and then asked him to get my hubby some water. The last time I had seen hubby this bad was in the doctor’s surgery about a month ago when he collapsed in her office!

Anyway, while waiting for the guy to get some water another member of staff came over to us. Hubby just kept saying to her “I’m fine”, which he clearly wasn’t because when we tried to get him into a chair he ended up on his knees. Luckily this lady was a first aider.

By this time I was trying to be calm and keep hubby calm, but my heart breaks everytime this happens to him. Even though he tells me that me just being there to catch him, talk to him or just hold his hand is more than enough and a great comfort, I still wish I could do more.

The worst was yet to come. We eventually got my husband into a chair, which he sat in for a few minutes before collapsing on to the floor! He felt so dizzy and just collapsed forwards out of the chair. The first aid lady quickly put him into the recovery postion and the meat guy got something soft for his head (a jacket from somewhere) and a duvet to wrap him in appeared from somewhere! (found out later they keep one in the office “just in case”!). The floor in the meat aisle at Morrisons is VERY cold.

By this time the meat aisle had been blocked off with a screen at one end and roll cages at the other. We had gathered quite a crowd and the other customers were staring and moaning that they couldn’t get to the chicken, etc. Well all I can say to you all that were trying to walk down the aisle and moaning because they couldn’t – WTF is up with you all? You have eyes and could see my hubby was on the floor in a state. At least you can go shopping without having to stop because of pain in your whole body. At least you don’t panic at the thought of leaving your house. You don’t have panic attacks while out shopping or lose control of your whole body and get so dizzy and faint that an ambulance has to be called. Just go away and leave people in peace.

Anyway ….. While my hubby was on the floor he started hyperventilating and his whole body started to shake and judder violently. Whenever this happens I try to calm him down and hold him, but it never feels like I’m doing enough for him. Especially as I can see he is in pain while this is going on. I really do wish this had never happened to him and I really don’t wish it on anybody else. For me watching it’s scary, heartbreaking and so frustrating (because I do feel I can’t help), but must be so much more so for the person it’s happening to. Even though I can see my hubby’s pain, at least I can’t feel it. I really don’t know how he manages to keep going.

The Ambulance came very quickly (within 10 minutes!). It was both an ambulance and the first response guy. These 3 guys did such a amazing job. They had to give my hubby oxgen and checked his vital stats. Blood sugar, blood pressure, hooked up an ECG and heart rate monitor and checked his temperature. By now I was so scared for my husband and terrified I was going lose him. The first aid lady ended up doing me a nice sweet cup of tea because she could see I was going into shock and I could actaully feel myself going into shock. While she was getting that for me I was still sitting on the floor with my hubby just either stroking his head or arm or leg. They had him laying on his back while they worked on him. He started convulsing and arching his back and neck, his arms went really rigid and the guys had to hold him down to stop him hurting himself. I was trying to hold his head down so he didn’t hurt his neck and our eyes locked. He looked so terrified.

I always try my best to hide how scared I am from my hubby, but he recently told me he can always see the change in my eyes. Then it all just suddenly stopped apart from his usual customery leg twitch.

My cup of tea arrived and I was very thankful that the lady got it for me. It’s strange how a cup of tea can help in that situation.

Hubby eventually got the all clear from the ambulnce guys. All his stats had returned to normal. They did nearly take him to the hospital, but once they could see him walking (if you can call it that) under his own steam with just a little handholding from me, they were happy for him to go home. We had to sit with them in the ambulance for a bit while they did some paper work and hubby got a nice sweet cup of tea from the meat guy as well (he even brought it out to the ambulance). We had bit of a chat with the ambulance crew while hubby got settled and fully recovered. Then we thanked them for taking such care of my hubby and said goodbye .These guys really do an amazing job and put you at ease.
Of course by this time hubby was insisting on finishing the shopping. Well you can guess what my response was! A big fat “NO WAY”!!!

To the 2 members of staff in Morrisons Witham and old lady that helped us, thank you all so very much.

Here’s some useful advice from my hubby:-

The floor in the meat aisle at Morrisons is very cold.
I suggest nobody lays on it shaking and juddering for an hour, dizzy, in pain and hyperventilating! It’s not a good idea.
It annoys the other customers, who will crowd around you moaning that they can’t get to the chicken and they get pissed off when the staff put screens up, blocking the aisle while 2 ambulance crews work on you.

At least he still has his sense of humour!

Some useful links :-

Here's a link to a poem by an MS suffer :-